On Photography -- and Longing: A Visual Essay
'Every time I go through something scary, traumatic, I survive by taking photos' - Nan Goldin
I love photography. It is, without a doubt, the supreme art form in my eyes. I love film too, but what is film if not a bunch of photographs in motion?
I have taken photos for a long while now, and I still do — granted, not as much as I’d like to — my camera does not collect dust on a shelf. I have dabbled in many genres, from digital to film to portrait to landscape to birds, looking for the perfect shot. I could not say I found it yet, but I found something greater through this search: the unparalleled peace of being behind the lens. The joy of capturing something you love, collecting it. And it’s never been more important than now, that I’ve been so deeply longing to see the one I love again.
Kyiv, my greatest love, my biggest heartbreak. Kyiv, who taught me happiness and brought me misery, Kyiv, my darling, my beloved, the central gem in the crown of cities, my coming of age! Kyiv, forever alive in my memories, in my camera roll, forever haunting me, reminding me of the closure I lack. Kyiv, my sun and my stars and my drug, so intoxicatingly powerful a mere mention of you stops me dead in my tracks, reforms all that surrounds me. Kyiv, the city of all cities, the place I see in my visions and dreams, the only memory that I could not live without. Kyiv, who I photographed incessantly, for I could not get enough of your beauty.
It’s been a year, and I cry so bitterly, my heart shattering at the mere mention of you. I miss you, I miss you, and I don’t think I will ever be in love again since I left you, because who am I without you? Who am I now that you’ve been so harshly ripped away from me? How am I to live, other than through moments I was wise enough to immortalise?
I take photos and I savour them, and that is enough because one day, I’ll take photos of you again.
Slava Ukraini!
thank you immeasurably for the snapshots, especially now, when the word is in dire need of a little beauty and kindness